If you went looking for me
this morning, bright & early, you would have found me at Be Well Bakery,
savoring an everything bagel, toasted & slathered
with cream cheese, scattered with capers, capped with slices of cucumber &
tomato.
The moment was a small
perfection - sitting at my small, well-lit table, sipping my café au lait,
nibbling my bagel, reading my book, aware of a room filling up with friendly faces. A good start
to my day.
A young couple & little
child came in, walking past me, to the counter.
Back they came, coffees in hand, to sink into one of the comfy
couches. Everyone in the room seemed aware
of the three, charmed by the tenderness of the caring parents’ & the
delightful charm of the little one, all smiles & a tousle of golden
curls. As her parents watched, she made
her way through the room, waving at this table, smiling greetings to
another. Just as she moved past me, she
whipped around & rushed back to the couch, proclaiming, “I’m back!”
It felt like the entire room melted over her
innocence & utter joy of reunion.
It wasn’t the charm of her
return that has stayed with me, hours after polishing off my bagel, sipping the
last of my au lait, closing my book & saying my goodbyes. What stays with me is the look on her parents’
faces at her return. They glowed at
their little one, full of love & pride & joy in her existence.
There are a lot of important
lessons those parents will teach her over the years, but none of them will be as
powerful as being on the receiving end of such welcoming, embracing looks that
speak volumes about belonging.
My own family was challenged
when it came to such looks. It wasn’t
the family’s style. Especially not with
me, the odd duck of the bunch. Wait – that’s not right. More often than not, it seemed we each felt like the odd man out. Strange.
All of my life, I longed to
be part of a greater whole. It feels to
me that a desire for healthy relationships ~ ones that provide mutual support &
appreciation, even when there's disagreement ~ makes the difference between merely existing & fully living. Some of my sibs seemed to have more of an "every man for himself" attitude.
Mind you, it wasn’t like the
others gave each other warm, sunny looks of pride & welcome. I doubt they did. But unlike me, they didn’t seem to crave them.
While a couple sibs seemed to take pride in being
averse to happiness, I was a regular Susie Sunshine, an unrepentant Pollyanna. Small wonder they seemed to invariably experience me as fingernails
on a chalkboard; as one family member noted, my very existence irritated her so much, when I walked into
the same room, she wanted to walk out!
Am not complaining, grousing
or griping. Just noting that my life was
very different from that little girl’s this morning. There
weren’t many welcoming faces, let alone role models, within my family.
There I was, longing for connection
& nurturing relationships; there was my family, seeming to feel the
opposite. What kept me stable over the years?
Now, this might sound
preposterous, but it’s the absolute truth – I kept some sense
of balance thanks to the very first book that touched my life, a book that
still defines who I am & how I live, a book I experienced before I could
speak, that rang true before I could read, one I didn’t even see until I
was ten years old. The Doctrine of Use, a small, slim book by Emanuel Swedenborg.
Come on – before
I could speak, before I could
read?
Absolutely.
As a baby & toddler, I
took in the countless ways my parents lived their belief in being of service
for the joy of it, heard their tone as they spoke about what they were doing.
As a child, I saw them tackle difficult tasks with light hearts, experienced
their open devotion to family, community, church & school. When, at ten, I finally saw the actual book –
a Christmas gift to my sister from adult friends – it felt like
homecoming.
What I grasped at a
ludicrously early age was that each of us is formed to be of use, that we each
have our own ways of expressing that use, that being of use leads to
happiness. That got me through a
lot. And that is, above all, what it means to me to "grow up Swedenborgian."
In embracing The Doctrine of Use, from my earliest days I pulled into
action characteristics which continue to stand me in good stead (several of
which still drive my sibs batty) ~ a capacity to accept that I might not know
what’s what; a desire for greater clarity; an ability to accept disagreement; a
thirst for genuine relationship, whatever it might look like; a willingness to
see what is in front of me, even if it’s difficult, even heartbreaking.
As I write this, my mind
keeps going to the film, Ordinary People. A psychologist tells his patient, a teen who’s
handled the pain of a terrible tragedy by denying it, “A little advice abut feelings, kiddo – don’t expect it always to tickle.” Maybe I can be open for happiness because I
acdept that, as the same character says later, “Feelings are scary. And
sometimes they're painful. And if you can't feel pain... you won't feel
anything else either.”
What a mess I’d be today if I’d focused on what wasn’t
possible, instead of than seeking what was.
Enough dreariness! When I think about that little tousle-haired
girl this morning & her adoring, proud parents, am all smiles. That’s the way it’s meant to be, a reciprocal
reinforcing of welcome & belonging.
Connection, affirmation, support & love – may that little girl
always see that in their faces.
No comments:
Post a Comment